Did you know that the Oscar winning Crash had the most Futon bombs in it, out of all the Oscar nominated films? Perhaps you didn't, b/c after so many "Futon you, and your futon arse, you mother futoning futon..." you don't really hear it anymore. The writers put all of that in there, b/c they want to emphasize the impact of what is typically the "worst" of all the curse words. It just gets old after a while.
So I popped into the National Futon Lab of Arts and Sciences and Curses and Other Unrelated Things, and came up with a few solutions.
Our hypothesis: There are a lot of worse things one can be called, besides a word synonymous with having sex. Instead of referencing people by sexual acts to involk insult, one should use choose a much more negative noun or verb, something that is frowned upon by society in general.
Using the example from above, I will insert some of our research results as proof of concept:
"Ebola you, and your tax-cheating arse, you air-born mutated ecoli virus-ing, disease." - This example here brings together two things society frowns upon, taxes, and viruses that start with the letter E.
"Overtime you, and your underpaid compared to others in your field arse, you roof tarring on a hot summer day, roofer." - This example focuses on overworked, underpaid employees and jobs that no one really wants.
"Unsolicited spam you, and your short battery life arse, you constantly crashing OS, and spamming mail server." - Ah, how could we get away from spam, Windows and Dell' battery life. Things we all wish would go away.
As you can see from these three brief examples, there are several more hurtful and degrading things we can reference one another with, than the overused, and frankly fun activity, of sexual intercourse. Feel free to post some of your alternatives as well.
Sancho says,
Just as I was getting use to your so "Brokeback" I have to come up with a non-sexual oriented slam. That is unless I use it as your so Brokeback (as in you think you are all that but you still didn't win arse for anything except a director and screenplay adaptation) where are your homo cowboys now? Let me know if I'm on the right track here my dermoid cyst...
Posted @ March 6, 2006RCP says,
First of all let me say "limh."
Then let me say nothing else.
Posted @ March 7, 2006girl says,
This is going to turn meaningless potty talk into thoughtful and poingant cursing! Brilliant, Futon, brilliant. Or should I say Speeding Ticket that, man!
Posted @ March 8, 2006Noah says,
girl - well done. well done indeed!
Posted @ March 8, 2006Niko says,
Futon. Cheerio on the post. Sanch. You made my Thurs. Joe, thanks for encouraging me to read this post & its comments as I have not given the futon the time it deserves lately.
Futon, why can't you update your flickr photos more often you soliciter phone call during dinner! Your giddy-up section has been a bit fresh-skid-mark-on-the-tighty-whities lately, how bout some better scoop? Also, you gutter cleaning, trash-truck driving strawberry picker with a mullet toupe to cover your mohawk tattoo of jamba juice symbols, why the no-cellphone-reception in my own house don't we get daily FUTON UPDATES ANYMORE? I know, cuz you enjoy your job too much. Well, dermoid cyst, don't forget about the readers who got you that job.
Posted @ March 9, 2006