I am sleeping in the Grand Canyon. I guess I'm just so fat, that I've created an indentation in our bed. This is clearly evident when I roll to the middle and find myself trying to roll uphill. The mattress isn't that old, so I called up the Mattress Guy.
Mattress Guy arrived with his quite sophisticated tool for measuring mattress indentation. I'm not sure what they call it, but I like to call it, "String with a weight on each side". Anyways, after using said tool, he was able to determine, that indeed there was an indentaiton in the mattress. Now, perhaps Mattress Guy has really bad eyes, but even my son, who has Esotropia in both eyes could tell by just LOOKING at it that there was an indentation. But, maybe Mattress Guy's boss, Boss Mattress Guy, won't take any action until "String with a weight on each side" is used... who really knows.
Mattress Guy informed us that our mattress indentation is not more than what Boss Mattress Guy defines as defective quality manufacturing. He then asked if we ever turned the mattress. I stated that we did occasionally. It was at this point that Mattress Guy informed me, that by viewing the tag attached to the mattress you could see that you were supposed to turn the mattress quite often in it's first few months of mattress life, so as to extend the life of the mattress, and to prevent indentations, much like the very Grand Canyon I sleep in now. I asked him to show me the print that said that I needed to turn my mattress. He said it's right here on the tag, under the name of the mattress, Neverturn.
ysbl says,
hey futon? i hate to be so high-maintainance, but ya know i'm struggling to make it through these War-and-Peace-length posts. I'm a busy man, places to go, people to meet, string cheese to eat.
I mean, I like my things packaged and geared toward my immediate, gluttonous (sic), and ultimately fast, consumption. My tv shows, dinners, cows (see: jerky, beef).
So go ahead and continue to write your novels, i mean posts, but I'd like to propose a new feature to the futon. Like my cow example, I don't want to have to go out, butcher the cow, skin it, cut off its tongue, and eventually get it magically turned to jerky. I just want to go to the store and get it prepackaged, and taste the succulent treat without the work. Kind of like the posts, I just want the jerky not the whole cow.
So how about some MotherFutonJerky™ eh? You can feature the funniest lines at the top of the post in a little segment. That way I can just read the Jerky and get on with my life.
Posted @ December 2, 2005Noah says,
Nice one ysbl. You have me LIMH. How long did it take you to write that?
Posted @ December 2, 2005Reed says,
You might be LI(Y)H, but I'm LOL. For reals. On The Inside.
On a side note, is your matters really called Neverturn™? And why are you spending so much time on one side of the bed, anyways?
Posted @ December 2, 2005Reed says,
Oops. I meant mattress. Damn Safari's spell check.
Posted @ December 2, 2005Niko says,
YSBL, most excellent posting. I laffed a lot out loud. Futon-lite could be a great idea. Half the calories(time it takes to read) yet full taste (hilarity). Personally though, i hate all diet and lite stuff. Give me the pure nard. Novel on Futon Sensay
Posted @ December 2, 2005