I'm not fond of needles. Their only purpose is to take your blood. It's my blood. I ain't letting you take it, you racca. In fact, I'd rather have bees eat my flesh off as I run around screaming the obligitory, "Bees! Bees! They're EVERYWHERE. They're eating my flesh. Yada Yada Yada.", than get my blood drawn. However, I am fond of a million dollars. Rather my wife is fond of a million dollars. That is, when I die, she gets a cool million, non taxed. Non taxed. Never thought I'd see those two words together... ever.
So in order to get a life insurance policy, some lady has to come over to my house to get some vitals from me. This is to ensure the insurance companies that I'm not one beer away from death. I peed in the cup, stood on the scale, and then sat down for the blood draw. Futon the blood draw.
Nurse lady (aka Devil Woman With A Needle), is prepping, rambling on about how in her 17 years in the United States she has never seen a peacock. I told her how they were all incestuous and living vile lives fed by a few "I don't mind the incredibly annoying gawking sounds the peacocks make ALL NIGHT LONG" neighbors.
I get the rubber strap around my bicep. (Takes me back to the heroin days... ) I tell the wife to go grab the camera. Thinking, that A) if I pass out, that would be funny, and B) since I can't bring myself to look at the needle STICKING OUT OF MY ARM, I'd like to see it after the fact.
And there we have it. I don't know if I passed their little test, if my POW style torture I endured was worth it... I can only hope she ran over a peacock or two on her way out of the neighborhood.
hink says,
I found out a few years back you can get it drawn from the top of your hand (think clenched fist) just as easily. Ever since, I've stopped being a candyass about it. Something to do with the vulnerability of the inner arm, I suppose.
Posted @ August 4, 2005Waylon says,
No pain, no gain. Well in this case you don't gain anything, but your wife sure does.
Posted @ August 4, 2005rcp says,
Another brilliant post. Does your life insurance claus state what all your futon subsribers will get? Maybe more fudge?
Posted @ August 4, 2005sancho says,
What would the wife do with another million dollars even if its tax free? My assumtion is to just screw the system since you are already swimming in piles of fresh Benjis...Futon On!
Posted @ August 4, 2005Noah says,
hink - Top of the hand? Might as well stick it in my eyeball!
Waylon - S'right foo!
rcp - Futon subscribers will moldy fudge.
sancho - It's all about taking down the man.
Posted @ August 4, 2005hink says,
Dude, I always get that Yer Futon Nuts look when I speak up about the needle in the hand -- I can't imagine its more disturbing than having them stab you in one of the fleshiest bits you have. That's how the ants get the pillbugs, afterall.
Posted @ August 4, 2005hink says,
One of these days, I'm gonna NOT be the last one to comment. Its like hearing crickets, man.
Posted @ August 4, 2005Noah says,
For hink.
Posted @ August 4, 2005hink says,
Wooh... oh damn.
Posted @ August 4, 2005