I just finished eating some RT, enjoyed a beautiful day here at El Rancho Relaxo. I feel like all is well. What more could a Futon ask for? Then I got to thinking, is there a way to make it even better? I'm not saying a better RT, Lord knows it doesn't get any better. In fact, I'm happy with all things of this world that are beyond my control. I need to look inward. How can I improve myself, as a father, husband, employee, as a human being.
I found the answer, staring me in the face, as if it was saying, "Why the Futon not?" So today I am taking that next step, I am officially beginning my search, and accepting applications, for a Nemesis. (What else could better motivate a man, than always being one-up'd by a Nemesis.) Here are some of the things the job would require:
- Ability to creatively undermine me
- Talent for solving life or death dilemmas, mere seconds before I do
- Knowledge of my intimate secrets and ability to use them to expose my weaknesses
- Good looks (I just can't have an ugly nemesis; I mean, what does that say about me?)
- Evil intentions cleverly disguised as good will towards men
- A cool car or motorcycle that we could race on I-680
- A strong motto. (Note that "What the Futon?!" is already taken)
- Ability to keep our civilian identities a secret (unless my neighbor hood security asks to see your ID at the gate; go ahead and give it to them)
- Some type of talent that goes beyond your average cub bear - I'm thinking... water balloons and nail files... go with that...
- 2 years minimum experience as a Nemesis or a side kick to a notable Nemesis
- Knowledge of the Nemesis Standards (The Art of Becoming an Effective Nemesis); with examples of Chapters 12-15.
While this list is quite detailed, I'm flexible on just about everything as I realize lining up a Nemesis in today's market can be quite difficult.
I forgot to mention that in order to fulfill your duties you would need to relocate to my hometown. This is essential as we will need to have interactions such as:
[Knock on my door. I answer the door to find you, my Nemesis.]
ME: Hello... Nemesis.
YOU: Hello, Futon.
[Wife, child and myself in the grocery store.]
WIFE: Hey honey, isn't that (pointing in your direction)...
ME: (Covering my son's eyes so he isn't exposed to your eye locking death ray) HONEY! What the futon?!
WIFE: Yoo hoo, (insert your name here)
ME: Shut. Up.
WIFE: What?
ME: You can't just say "Yoo hoo" to (insert your name here). He's my NEMESIS for crying out loud.
Feel free to apply via email at motherfuton [at] gmail [dot] com or use the comments.
Caleb HAGEN says,
When the battle begins, can i be on your side? I mean, like at the end of the game, when it's time for the Big Boss who you can only kill because you hit him in his glowing eyes just at the right time. Well, when that day comes I want to be on your side. I could keep providing you with food or 1UPs or something. I guess I'm asking to be a sidekick. Do you need/want one?
The only thing is that I can't move up there. But I'll come to visit for the Big Boss fight. Let me know when you get to the last level.
Posted @ May 24, 2005Red Canary says,
Great application Noah. Don't forget to add in the requirements something about ability to deliver long monologues dealing with his greatness and your demise, just before he finally defeats you. All nemesis seem to do that. And it could help you out alot!
Posted @ May 24, 2005Evil Villian X says,
So, I'd like to submit my resume, especially now that I know I can also give long, drawn out, self-inflating monologues. As if the job weren't perfect enough already! Evil intelligence bottled up inside this beauty...Whoa man, you might not last long with me as your enemy!
I'll send the resume via email before the closing date. I am assuming it pays well enough for me to buy a motorcycle worthy enough for you to eat its dust, yes?
Posted @ May 24, 2005Noah says,
Caleb - A side kick could be cool. I mean, it would be cool until you screwed up and I had to pull out the Cobra hand gesture, and say, "You can't handle the truth!", or something of that nature. Either way, I'm down man.
Posted @ May 25, 2005