I am on my third iPod Mini. I've yet to pay for one. You say, "What the futon?! How did you score free Mini's? And why three? And why is the title called 'Dead Minis'? And why was the guy on the corner of the intersection in the motorized wheel chair with the oxygen tank feeding fresh O2 direct to his nose, smoking a cigarette?"

All good questions.

My first Mini was a "Closing Gift" from our realtors when we sold our house. (Really, I think Shiloh just wanted an excuse to purchase a Mini) It worked great up until our son was born. Right smack in the middle of labor, my wife is *politely asking* for some tunage. The Mini is just about out of juice, so I grab the wall charger and fire it up. All is well. Get home a few days later, and the bugger won't mount on my desktop. It mounts via USB, but not via Firewire. I won't stand for this.

I consult all my resources and contacts. Scour the web, and realize a lot of peeps are having the same issue. After consultation with my psychiatrist, priest and former co-worker I decide my best strategy is to play dumb. Pretending like I have no idea how to even connect headphones to my iPod, I walk into the Apple Store and say, "I dunno what happened... I used to work, now it just doesn't."

I walked out with a new Mini.

Few months later, we decide to show the son what the Valley of Death is like and take him to Bakersfield to see his Aunt and Uncle. The Mini keeps us company the entire way down. We get there and I decide it's best to charge up the Mini for our ride back. Upon arrival at the Racho Relaxo, I plug in the Mini to put some new Sherwood tracks on it, and the little green buddy won't mount on the desktop via Firewire again.

A quick QA session:

Q: What did I do differently that could have caused this?
A: Went to Bakersfield.
A: Played Matchbox 20 (I had to struggle to get the Mini to even load the tracks, as it was against every circuit in it's tiny frame to play such crap)
A: Charged the Mini with a wall charger.

I eliminate answer 1 and 2. Plug the Mini back into the charger. (This is the charger that came with my Mini, back when Apple wasn't so cheap arse, and included chargers and cables) The screen goes solid black. Not black like Michael Jackson, but black like the super rich black on letterboxed movies that my Dad complains are taking up his screen space and "squishing" his movies, black. Within a minute or two the Mini is too hot to even hold in my hand. Of course, you know how this goes: heat, smoke, smoke, fire, fire, problem.

I dumb myself down again and walk into the Apple Store. I present the faulty charger and ask them to try it out with one of their iPods. (Snickering inside as they are about to fry their own Firewire chip... I'm waiting for the opportunity to yell out, 'What'd you do!' - Chris Farley style) The "Genuis" shows a bit of genuis and opts to not plug his Mini into my charger, instead he examines my Mini... Unable to get it to mount I confess to him, that I too am bewildered. He says, "I think this charger is the problem, and it has fried your Firewire chip." I want to reply with a "Damn right that's the problem, Mac Fanboy", but quickly remembering my supposed lack of knowledge to falsely build the genuis' self confidence, num-chuck, and problem solving skillz, I reply with a "Wow! Thanks so much for figuring that out. I had NO idea what was going on..."

Now if I only had the new Coldplay to load on my new Mini...

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