You know that feeling, that taste in your mouth, after you've brushed your teeth. That minty fresh feeling? The one that you think about right before you take a sip of OJ and realize this is gonna suck futons b/c there is nothing worse than minty fresh taste and OJ. Well, maybe there could be something worse, like being stuck in a room where the walls were collapsing on you and there was a big long pole that you tried to use to keep the walls from closing in, but it just got squished, and your little robot friend couldn't figure out the secret code to stop the walls from crushing you, and also there was no pretty girl with her hair in buns on the side of her head next to you. She was off with your ex-best friend.

Anyways, this feeling of minty fresh has been with me for the past week and a half, and I can't get rid of it. It is driving me absolutely nuts! It doesn't ruin the taste of food, but my mind can't compute that, and everything I eat or drink is preceded by that moment of hesitation which just throws off my game. To top it all off, I hate mint. So minty fresh taste in my mouth is making my enemies rejoice and sing songs of glee. Curses!

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Experts expect big California earthquake by 2037. In other news, cover-your-ass underwear is sold out for the next 29 years.

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Gibson Robot Guitar - For people with no hands.

Gibson Robot Guitar - A four thousand dollar tuner.

Gibson Robot Guitar - The only thing you need to look like a complete tool.

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Sometimes, I wish I was a rock star. Not like a leather chaps, arse hanging out rock star, but more like a "He wrote that song too?!" rock star. And also, sometimes, I think that auto mechanics would want to be web developers. I imagine clients would hear something like this alot:

Ma'am, you're website is in dire need of repair. Some jackass used tables and the markup was like a motherfuton sewer, but we waded through. We found out that your divs are collapsing. They haven't collapsed yet, but as you can imagine, once the divs go, it really starts to effect your rendering and functionality. But before we can get to those divs, we have to replace your floats. To be honest, they're sinking. You're floats are sinking, and they're going to bring the divs down with them. I can not stress this enough, they are sinking, and sinking fast. The double margin that your browser is misinterpreting is going to cause your container to explode and the entire contents of your site are going to be strewn across your body. Don't worry, the html will still contain them all, so you won't lose them, but as you can see, before we get to those divs, we must address these sinking floats.

Now, I know you asked me about your padding, and you were right to do so. Your left padding has 2 pixels remaining, and your right is down to just 1 pixel. We've never seen padding this low before. Once that goes, your content is going to be rubbing up against each other causing God knows how much friction and eye strain... I don't know how your site even managed for this long with such low padding. You are lucky non of your readers were hurt... we're going to suggest you bump those back up to at least 10 pixels each; I'm just really not comfortable with anything less than 10, ok.

Mmmkkk. The last think we need to talk about is your stylesheet. It's littered with hacks and long-handed syntax. This is the reason you were experiencing sluggishness during use. I'm not going to ask, but your previous developer must have been your neighbor's cousin, right? We really don't see this coming from any other source, other than the Noobs. Oh, don't cry ma'am, it's not your fault. Sadly, most people do consider FrontPage to be a viable development environment...

We can fix all of these things for you today, ok. I've got Bob on the FTP already, and he can turn this old Fiat into a Porsche, if you know what I mean. I'm going to recommend we remove some of these absolutely positioned divs, ok, they're not going to "grow" with your content, and you're going to see that they are going to create a problem down the road. Let's nip that in the bud right now. We're gonna eliminate this double margin on your floats, give those things some buoyancy again, ok. You're gonna notice that right away. Just these few simple steps are going to keep your container from exploding, which is going to give you peace of mind. Oh, and the padding, I almost forgot. If you do nothing else, do the padding for the sake of all that is good and pure in this world. I tell you what, 20% off the padding ok, 20%, just get it done. I see you've brought in your Free Float inspection coupon, and we're going to honor that, which brings your final price down a bit to $35,550. We'll get started on that right away, we'll be sure to put the witty "down for maintenance in a speech bubble with a cute little kitty next to it" page up and we should be in and out in a matter of days. We see this all the time ma'am, and it's a damn shame. Don't worry, you're in good hands.

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